Never the Pretty One
- Sasha Bohon
- Nov 16, 2019
- 3 min read
I've always wanted to be pretty. Most little girls do. And this might come as a shock to many people who knew me growing up. I was always the Tom boy. I wore baggy shirts and pants, I didn't dress up or care about makeup or my hair. At least, that's the way I acted.
I always wanted to be pretty. I wanted nice clothes that made me look good and to know how to do my makeup and hair. But I felt ashamed for being a girl.
When I was growing up, being a girl was not the cool thing. Girls liked pink, and were weak and emotional. I had mainly boys as friends and anytime I acted even slightly feminine they teased me mercilessly. I got left out of a lot because I was a girl, even if I didn't act like it. My mom was more of a Tom boy too so she encouraged that part of me and couldn't really teach me on how to be feminine like I really wanted.
Then I started developing breasts in the 3rd grade. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of my body for betraying me even more. I didn't want to be a girl! And now my body was making it so I couldn't cover it up and hide that I was one. I also got severe acne starting then and would last me through most of middle school. The only reason it cleared was my dad took me to the doctor and after trying soooo many different things, including birth control that completely wrecked me emotionally, I was put on accutane.
In 4th grade I got severe depression. My friends were teasing me about my breasts, none of my guy friends wanted to be around me anymore and I was fighting with myself constantly. I wanted to be pretty and feminine, but that would mean I was weak and uncool. And I wasn't pretty. I never felt pretty. There were times I felt I was close, but never there. What's the use of trying if you just aren't pretty?
In middle school I made a friend who was one of the popular girls. She gave me enough confidence to try to wear more feminine clothes. And I would see the looks men gave me when I did. And I mean 20's and up. I was a c cup through middle school and had my hourglass figure starting. And full grown men would check me out. I had a couple of guys ask me if I wanted to be in an adult film once when I was at the mall with a friend. When they found out I was 13 they were gone pretty fast.
On the one hand I was flattered, and I liked the attention, it made me feel like I could possible be attractive. On the other it made me feel scared and ashamed. I was taught that because I had a feminine body I could end up in trouble. I walk the way I do today because I remember watching a video in school saying how more confident looking women didn't get attacked as often as those who looked timid.
We moved to a different state when I began high school. It was a chance for me to start off new. But many times when I tried dressing like many of the other pretty girls teachers would react as if I was wearing something inappropriate because of my figure. I was told I was leading guys on just because we were talking.
All the way through college and up to now, I've tried to look how I wanted to. I dressed how I want, I've lost and gained weight. Cut and colored my hair. Constantly trying to be who I am and okay with how I look.
It hasn't been until recently that I've actually felt pretty, even beautiful and sexy, and comfortable in my own skin. It took until I was 30. All I needed was for someone to tell me it was okay to be a girl. That it was okay to be me and that I am beautiful. My husband helped, but after years of feeling not pretty enough it took a bit for me to get there.
Playing Doralee in 9 to 5 got me thinking about all this. The first time I sang the song Backwoods Barbie and actually acted it out I ended up crying at the end, because it's how I felt for years. Trying to be pretty, but knowing that I already am. I've worked hard to get to the point of feeling pretty and sexy and fierce. I finally feel beautiful and comfortable in my own skin.
Comentarios